Tuesday, July 13, 2010

So I've finally gotten internet here at my dorm. Took me long enough to figure the damn thing out...

I feel awful. I would like to throw up incredibly right now, or feel emptiness on demand. It's so goddamn funny, because I like to assure my boyfriend (let's say M I guess) that he is not the cause of all my pain and numbness and my inability to love. And at the same time, I want to drink and bleed and cry and yell in some blind stupor every hateful thing I wish to say.

I don't even know what I want to say. I don't love you (because I don't have a soul)? You're naive and don't understand what you're saying? You will never change me? I want to hold up bloody wine bottles and prove just how much this fracture of reality is killing me.

And keeps me from dying. Before him I was committed to Ana, zealous in my desperation. Completely turned my back to any semblance of love, in the pursuit of hedonism. The real question is, is that who I am? Because hard as I try, I can't love like in the fairytales, like in the poems and in the movies. Maybe I'm not wired that way. Not human enough.


  1. I think you're above human.
    There's nothing wrong with you, shit's just holding you back.
    You're beautiful, and some day you'll see it.

  2. hi, thank you so much for your comment. made me smile quite a lot today.

    you have no idea how many times i have wished for emptiness on demand too! well, it never happens, does it. no cure for a full stomach. sometimes i even find yearning for emptiness makes me feel fuller, like my actual emptiness disappears because i ask too much from it.

    hope you figure things out with your boyfriend. even though you say you do not love him, it definitely seems like you need him. have you tried to make him understand? that he cannot change anything, but that he should just stay there and hold you while you deal with it.

    love io

  3. Thank you both for responding and for your words of wisdom, I am so happy that people actually care about this blog/me so far X3

    I understand that too io, that's the only thing that's bad about Ana. It's not immediate like my other vices, but it feels "healthier" in that it doesn't cause scarring and brain damage, ha.

    I'll talk more about him, but yes I really do hope that he can just do that for me without needing to help. For that alone I'd love him, but now wouldn't that be a selfish sort of love...

  4. I am not human either. I have a heart of stone, yet I cling onto people I admire and who I want to like me. I am pretty pathetic really. But that isn't a great introduction. I found your blog, and I love it. And I found it on post 4, even more exciting, I get to watch you grow and transform. :-)

    I have a scar on my leg that says fat. But because I was angry and because I am fat. I was jealous of the skinny girl with it on her arm, is that bad? Oh well.

    Love love love and hope things get easier for you, truly.

    And agreed, feeling empty on demand would be fabulous

  5. Thank you so much Lola-Rose, I think we have a lot in common (for better or for worse -_-) I'm just so glad I'm not alone, <3 to all of you