Tuesday, July 13, 2010
So I've finally gotten internet here at my dorm. Took me long enough to figure the damn thing out...
I feel awful. I would like to throw up incredibly right now, or feel emptiness on demand. It's so goddamn funny, because I like to assure my boyfriend (let's say M I guess) that he is not the cause of all my pain and numbness and my inability to love. And at the same time, I want to drink and bleed and cry and yell in some blind stupor every hateful thing I wish to say.
I don't even know what I want to say. I don't love you (because I don't have a soul)? You're naive and don't understand what you're saying? You will never change me? I want to hold up bloody wine bottles and prove just how much this fracture of reality is killing me.
And keeps me from dying. Before him I was committed to Ana, zealous in my desperation. Completely turned my back to any semblance of love, in the pursuit of hedonism. The real question is, is that who I am? Because hard as I try, I can't love like in the fairytales, like in the poems and in the movies. Maybe I'm not wired that way. Not human enough.