I got four hugs today. Can you believe that? The concept is so new to me, this gesture of affection from friends...

First was earlier today. I was talking to my mother on the phone, and she is a person that stresses out very easily--I just wasn't in the mood to deal with it. Actually, it was more precisely a mood of guilt and anger combined, the awful feeling of carrying blame while being frustrated at the insincerity of empathy. At the end of the conversation she says she needs to bring over a dress for a ceremony type thing tomorrow. I say I always wear stockings with them.

"Well you don't need stockings."

"I always wear stockings."

"This time you won't"

"I need to wear stockings. I don't not wear stockings."

"Why?"

"...Because I have SCARS, mother."

"What, on your knees?"

*long pause* "No."


Could anyone be any goddamn thicker? Any more unintuitive? Especially because she KNOWS about them. My psychiatrist pried it out of my mouth and into her ears, and that's the last I heard of it. I thought she might take a hint since all summer I've been saying how I don't wear shorts. Emphatically.

So that made me look sad I guess, or some nondescript depressed face, so my roommate hugged me out of nowhere. And then later that day we had to sneak in from the entrance of the dorm to my previous camp, and my dormmates there saw me from the lounge and came out so excited and hugged me. Hugged me. As if I was actually interesting enough and valued enough to be missed.

My old best friend, a girl who kept me tied to her wrist, the product of an only child from divorced parents resulting from an affair--we never hugged. We were almost too close to do it, like twin sisters. I am so glad she is gone, so I can have these normal, childish experiences that I have missed out on.