Wednesday, September 29, 2010

When I was being tutored for the SAT , one of the passages was about a girl who was the "happy one" out of her deep, twisted, depressed group of friends. They were all smart, funny and beautiful, but all not right in the head. I wish I had friends like that.

I wish I could be truly happy, like everyone around me. I wish I could shake off this torment, this questioning of existence. I wish I wasn't a masochistic and a perfectionist. I don't understand why I still want to die when I'm in a land of potential with parents and friends who take help me take advantage of it. I think, if I was a poor rural woman somewhere far away, birthing children in a hut...I know I'd already be dead. Have you ever read The Awakening?
Perhaps I am ungrateful, perhaps I am trapped--I don't know, and neither gives any solace. Look at me, having overcome my social anxiety. A success story with everything going for her, a paragon, a winner. Talking to everyone, laughing with everyone, joining in on life with everyone. So I'm not afraid of people anymore. But,
I'm still afraid.


  1. this is so beautiful.
    it's okay to be afraid.

  2. We all are afraid, and believe it or not, you are beautiful. <3

  3. A little fear is a good thing. It makes us stronger, I think. I'm still afraid, but now I have a drive to face that fear and overcome it. It sounds like you definitely have that drive as well. :) Keep your head up - you're fabulous. You are much bigger and stronger than any fear or sadness. xxx