Wednesday, September 29, 2010

When I was being tutored for the SAT , one of the passages was about a girl who was the "happy one" out of her deep, twisted, depressed group of friends. They were all smart, funny and beautiful, but all not right in the head. I wish I had friends like that.

I wish I could be truly happy, like everyone around me. I wish I could shake off this torment, this questioning of existence. I wish I wasn't a masochistic and a perfectionist. I don't understand why I still want to die when I'm in a land of potential with parents and friends who take help me take advantage of it. I think, if I was a poor rural woman somewhere far away, birthing children in a hut...I know I'd already be dead. Have you ever read The Awakening?
Perhaps I am ungrateful, perhaps I am trapped--I don't know, and neither gives any solace. Look at me, having overcome my social anxiety. A success story with everything going for her, a paragon, a winner. Talking to everyone, laughing with everyone, joining in on life with everyone. So I'm not afraid of people anymore. But,
I'm still afraid.

3 comments:

  1. this is so beautiful.
    it's okay to be afraid.
    xo

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  2. We all are afraid, and believe it or not, you are beautiful. <3

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  3. A little fear is a good thing. It makes us stronger, I think. I'm still afraid, but now I have a drive to face that fear and overcome it. It sounds like you definitely have that drive as well. :) Keep your head up - you're fabulous. You are much bigger and stronger than any fear or sadness. xxx

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