I should be spending my time wisely, but I suppose I'm not wise. I'm uninspired to do anything, except perhaps write here. What is there to say though? Alright, here are the more mundane things that have been on my mind.
I have finally found the ecstasy of sex. It still amazes me that I'm not eligible to birth the next Jesus anymore...nope, any pregnancy would be due to carelessness; miracles are reserved for the innocent.
The medicine never lets me reach the pinnacle, but only since this week have I found it even remotely pleasant. Three months into nonvirginity; I was starting to get scared that I was permanently numb.
I wonder if I should tell my mother. Her opinions of me seem so innocent, so sterile...I don't want to tarnish myself in her eyes. In the same way, I won't tell M about anorexia. He knows about my cutting, my drinking, my depression, but not this. The bones that peak through my skin, casting shadows; the concavity of my stomach when I lie under him; the sharp, feminine jawline that he's told me he loves so much... I refuse to darken his eyes.