Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I am failing everything and everything is failing me

Malfunction on half a muffin and spiked diet coke is how I function yeah, in my melodramatic suicidal teenage haze they say. I want to survive and I don't. I have given up getting better. My grandfather, I have recently learned, had depression. The grumpy old man wasn't missed by my mother when he finally passed; I, however, gave myself the excuse to open the first bottle.

So it's in my genes, my very being, to live in this tortured way. It is not getting better. I am a defect on the assembly line, a kink in our DNA. This is not a problem, this is a condition. An incurable disease.


  1. i didnt realise this had been written while i was still commenting on the previous post...ah well, i hope you got it.

    mother dearest has depression. your right- it's faulty genes that screw us up. i hate her for giving birth to me; she was never in a state to bring up a child, and if i ever speak to her again i will be sure to tell her

    (she has done many things to deserve it.)
    lots of love x

  2. no one in my family talks about things like that. everything is hushed up and kept secret, to save from embarrassment.

  3. i gave it up a long time ago too. it's manageable, i find. at least we have no other choice. beautiful picture. xx