Sunday, July 24, 2011


He tried to break up with me this Friday. Rode his bike to me, said he wanted to see me, begot a twisted irony because just two weeks prior he had rode his bike all the way to my house to comfort me and hold me.

It was an odd encounter. I smirked at times, realizing I was giving him the same defensive stance I give to bullies and broken friendships. He said he was confused, and that at my very doorstep things changed, because I saw his anguished face and touched his shoulder and asked if he was alright. I thought, perhaps, that someone had died.

We left with him saying that he needed time to think. To sort a muddled brain, to keep it safe and sound, apparently, from the pheromones I drug it with. That night I couldn't eat well; I went to Wendy's with a boy whose eyes are crystals and I saw two junkie prostitutes with skin stretched over their bones, with rotting teeth and the faces of old women. I couldn't stop staring, trying to eavesdrop on conversations from a foreign world to no avail. He had become a stranger, just as unreadable and inhuman as them.

The next day he changed his mind, which I had hoped he would do, in the back of mind. I told him, I never wanted us to be exclusive when I leave. Remember? And, it hurts me more to hear that you want to break up with me not because you've found someone better--we both know there are better--but simply for the sake of some doom that is bound to come.

If we find someone, through light flirtations and inquisitive dates, then so be it: we will end it. But why cut it off now? I don't understand your logic, I said.

So in this way he gave in, I made him admit that he still loved me even if he didn't think we were right for each other. He tried to leave me; I stopped him. I couldn't let it happen--there is no one else, absolutely no one, who I can lean on but him. It is a sad truth and I wish I didn't have to cause this burden, but soon I will go to college and there will be room to grow.

In the meantime, I refuse to be abandoned. There are so many things I love about him. I just want a friend who I can cuddle with, sit and spill my secrets with, laugh and cry with. I do enjoy making love, or having sex, or fucking--whatever you want to call it. In this one area of life I forgo feminist stubbornness because I really do wish to please.

Conclusively, in a mere few weeks we will be officially calling ourselves "on hiatus." But that's not quite what it is--it's not quite an open relationship, either. I go for the in-between of in-betweens, the hardest to keep in equilibrium. But the thing is, if you succeed, you have almost the best of everything. Same with Ana, isn't it?


  1. Oh wow darling, this is so beautiful for all the truth in it... And your writing is so amazing...
    I understand you so well... Sometimes relationships are really hard, but soon everything will be all right and it will be better than ever!

    Oh Ana...she has quite a personality doesn't she?
    So jealous, trying to have us just for herself... but still one of the best friends one can dangerous.

  2. This is so honest and I think that's why I love it/you. You have a brave heart, and the courage to hold on a little tighter to someone you love.

    I hope everything is better now. And so may I ask, how are you, dear?