Sunday, May 15, 2011

I woke up

drenched in sweat. I have nightsweats a lot because of my medications, I think, but today was horrible.. It's funny how easily we swallow pills, shrugging off the side effects. I hate the sweating and the jittering, but I love the energy, the sharpness and the optimism. And the lack of appetite is sometimes a blessing, sometimes a curse--I panic about my bones just as I did in the throes of anorexia. Sure, it makes me feel like a crackhead, but no matter.. Strangely, (sadly?), I kind of find it beautiful.

I can hardly believe that there lies a stormy, summer day outside my window. Now, unshuttered from the haze of exams, I can appreciate this change that seems to have happened overnight. With it brings promises of freedom and adventure. Since I haven't had the time or motivation to learn how to drive (until now, but it's a brief hiatus), I'm waiting impatiently for my boyfriend to be approved for the road test..very, very impatiently. Being stuck inside (suburbia is as good as farmland if you can't drive) drives me crazy (ha pun unintended).

And, I need a job. I'm so sick of feeling guiltily dependent on my parents. And, of course, I'm sick of having an excuse for them to invade my private life. My room is safe. My body is safe. Everything else is not my own.

But then I have to once again ask the question, what do I want? It's easy enough to devote your life to school and studying, with the worthy-enough premise of getting into college. I'll probably be too busy this summer to have time to think about it. But, in this little stretch of time, I'm worried it might consume me.


  1. i can relate so easily to the being permanently grounded because i cannot drive and the overwhelming looming thoughtsnofnthe future.
    i really do hope they do not consume you, xo